Just Perfect in Life

It is time to pray.

2009-08-06T10:41:00.003-05:00

The question is how do I know I am healed..my answer to that is “by His stripes”, I am healed.
It is not because I can develop a website, nor because I have a clearer mind.
It is by the message given from God that has been delivered and received. The message to me was “believe and live and I will show you how.”
I was not the woman that reached out to Christ and received healing, I was the woman at the well and Christ came to me and said “I was healed”.
Scars of sin and sickness fear and anxiety fogged my mind as I battled with the hope and existence of healing.
When you are tired, confused and in pain, your mind in the human form cannot process the concept of healing. You can believe God will heal. We have all read the biblical stories and believed even that a man lived in the belly of a whale.
But today, as we walk in the distorted world of obsessions with the internet, challenges of financial difficulty and sickness that we see and feel, the world that God offers us as healing is as foreign as the farthest galaxy.
So today as I see the answer does not always come in one brief moment of healing like a bolt of lightening, I see it comes in the hour of prayer.
I learned something today, as I tried to post a message of faith on face book, I was stopped several times and the screen bombed out. I took my computer to the treadmill and thought I would listen to praise and worship music as I walked on the treadmill. That too bombed out.
So, since the moment was not to praise and worship, I took the advise of a friend I have yet met, and prayed out loud to God. For 30 minutes of healing, seeking Him, thanking Him and commissioning the Angels in Heaven given to me to protect, and help me proclaim the Glory of our risen Savior.
There is peace in prayer.

Let's Dance!

2009-08-01T22:50:00.004-05:00

The past few weeks have been great, the cloud has been lifted and I see clearer and think clearly now.
I have a drive to web design and can I have a passion that I did not ever think would come back.
See some of the work I have been able to do since I last wrote...

http://www.wix.com/duchess12/Sample%20Page

Today, we spent time as a family, listening to music, the old 80's and for a short while I was left on with the radio. A great song came on that I enjoyed years ago...I began to dance.. thinking if nothing else.. my middleaged self needed the excersize!... As I did I felt an amazing feeling.

But let me preface this first...
For the past few years, Adam has enjoyed Cajun music and wanted us to learn to dance. I could not, I did not have the balance and the awkwardness was too much to even try.
But as I listened to the music, I began to dance and feel a healing, a hair raising, overwhelming since of healing. With rhythm came joy, with joy came tears.
God is continuing to heal..

The day my brother told me I was healed and we said "Now what?"...We waited.

The time came and is continuing ..

as I rejoiced alone, I thanked God.

A New Beginning!

2009-07-17T23:12:00.004-05:00

I knew the day would come when I would sit down and write..."It is finished".

As I write today, I am overwhelmed with the reality that it is finished. The disease is gone. I am healed. Over the year events have occurred that I have not shared and much forgotten. My brother said it best in an email sent to his boss yesterday. Please take the time to read his email, and then give praise to God, for He is still all powerful and almighty.

Thank you all for your prayers when I could not think to pray.

His letter:

With all the "negative" that is happening in the world today, I want to share something personal and "very good" with you. (and, my friends)

This "event" has been a year in the making.

Melody, one of my baby sisters who lives in Baton Rouge , has had mental issues for several years. To the point, it had consumed her mentally, spiritually, and physically. To almost the point, she did not want to keep going. She was told, she had lost most of her mental ability and there was not much hope in site. In a few short years, she would be consumed with Alzheimer's.

Mid-May 2008, at my parents 50th wedding anniversary, she was frail, could not walk a straight line and walked with a cane. She had to rest everyday by early afternoon.

About 3 weeks PRIOR to that party, I was told to tell Melody..."she was healed".

How do you tell this to someone you love, news like this? If you were a strong Christian, it is a no brainer.

If you were me. You sat in your office wondering what to do... for a couple of hours.

Finally, I made the call.

When I called Mel, she was in the car, being driven by her daughter and new son-in-law going to New Orleans to file for disability. She wanted to organize her life, before her mind left her.

At that 50th Anniversary party, last May, I saw my parents closest friends and family, all knew of this wonderful story... and wanted to discuss Mel's healing and all had questions of..."what happen?", And, I tried to explain to them, something I really wanted to believe. I really wanted to believe God had healed her.

Meanwhile, at this very party and several months later, Mel was feeling somewhat better, but still was battling with her demons.

Of course, I "doubted" what I had done.

This afternoon, I just got off the phone with my baby sister, Melody, in Louisiana . She sent me the attached email and asked that I forward it to Jim Pace. I could not just forward it to Jim Pace, the rest of this email list are people I consider to be my friends in Christ.

My regret... I should have accepted this year ago....what I saw, felt, and heard today.

Thank you, for taking the time to read this.

Rick

PS. If any of you want to email her. melodymsm@yahoo.com

Rick, can you pass this email to your boss and his wife...

Last year at this time I had the the neurologist at Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis say I had the cognition and retention of 1/2 of what a 60 year old had... I want to share with you where I am today.

Within the past 3 weeks I have taught myself how to design and publish websites... I now have a new direction...I don't want to sell you anything.. I just want you to see where I have come from and the changes that have occurred with my brain.

Check it out and let me know what you think... when I say I taught myself.... I have zero programming experience... It came from nowhere!

I want to share it with you and say thank you for your prayers and faith in God that miracles happen.

When Rick called me a year ago to say, you had called him and told him to call me and say "tell your sister she is healed". He and I both were baffled..We believed but both said, "OK, now what?"

As the year continued on, I wrote about my disease in a blog... http://justperfectinlife.blogspot.com/ and have shared with others where I was and how things were going.

Last night I completed my web-design and published my new company we will soon begin. My husband, a programmer, is my back up, and only helped me understand a little of the coding in html.... otherwise, it is a God design.

Please know from the depths of my heart, I thank you for your belief in God and your prayers! I thank you for stepping out and in faith telling Rick to call me. It has become a miraculous testament to the power of God.

Here it is "Just Perfect Web Designs"

http://justperfectwebdesigns.com/default.aspx

Again, thank you.

Melody McNicoll

Today an email followed, from my brother it was sent to him by a friend. I share this with all of you who read it and ask for prayers for Rick, his family and me and my family.

Rick,

I encourage you to read Isaiah 61: 1-7. He is pouring out His spirit now for sure. I also feel like the enemy is not pleased at the move of God so I also encourage you to pray as a family and you read Psalm 91 over them for the month of July in particular daily.

Mary

And last, I say this with all of my heart know, if God ask you to do something, never hesitate, never doubt, just do. Rick was my messenger. He was the lady who touched the cloak of Christ in faith to be healed. Without his faith "of a mustard seed", it would not have happened. Be the messenger. Go forward as I am today and proclaim the mighty power of our GOD and Savior Jesus Christ!

With Love to all who read this,
Melody McNicoll 7-17-2009
The Battle Is won!

Do you believe in miracles?

2009-07-16T10:17:00.004-05:00

A year ago, in May 2008 ...this email was sent out to my family....

Today... I have created a website, I will be starting a new business, and this is the site.. http://justperfectwebdesigns.com/default.aspx.

I will post it to the right of the page for easy access... but you decide..

Here I must say, "Thank you for all of your prayers, thank you for praying when my mind could not remember the words to say, thank you for your diligence, and your faith in God. Thank you for asking others to pray for me, I have my life back, hope for a future and joy to continue on. Thank you!"

Dear Family, We met with the Dr. here at Wash U, Barnes Jewish Hospital. After meeting with Adam for about 45 minutes, I completed some psychiatric test for cognitive functioning then completed a physical, he reviewed my records and then he met with both of us. He spent about 2.5 hours with us. The Dr. was very approachable, thorough and informative. He has at this time, (but with further testing planned in Baton Rouge), narrowed my results to a few diagnosis, each he based on the progression of symptoms, length of symptoms and the MRI results. He is also basing his diagnosis on the probability of % of likelihood with my age in mind. Since I am 44, these diseases are a bit early for me; twenty years early. The MRI showed some Cerebral atrophy (shrinkage) with left sided diminished motor skills and weakness. I have a memory deficit of about 1/2- 1/4 of what a normal 60 year old would be. Based on the diseases and progression of symptoms he has basically narrowed it down to 2 possible diseases. Early dementia, Alzheimer's, or Cortical-basal Degeneration (similar to Parkinson's) which is more appropriate for my age but more rare. He is going to have me do a PET scan in Baton Rouge when I return home and we will send the actual test to him for diagnosis and he is placing me on Aricept for treatment of Alzheimer's. This he gave me a months supply and should help with the memory. If I can tolerate the medication I will continue. All in all, it doesn't sound so good, but as I told my mom, we laugh allot, now we can repeat it all and have twice as much fun with our goofy selves! Thank you again for your prayers, I do not see this as an end all diagnosis, we all know things change, God is in control and I am incredibly blessed with a wonderful family and husband. I have all of my closest friends, meaning family here or only a call or email away! Now, with the information at hand, I must ask for a special pray, a continuous prayer for Adam. He will be burdened with an incredible task, please pray for him every day for courage, peace and blessings from God as Adam seeks God for guidance. If this is the path God has chosen for us, we will follow Gods will. God will not abandon us but will bring us closer to Him. That is our purpose on earth anyway. We all know Adam is a special person, a chosen person from God, Please lift him in your prayers more than me. My children also need prayers to know God had purpose in all things. Please pray that they walk with the peace of God and are not fearful but blessed to have what we do have. You have all been wonderful to me, and please, please, no POOR MEL! But, a thank you to God for His being in control, if this is a correct path for diagnosis, what a blessing to be able to know now, before I cannot remember. I want to love my family more, so it could be the best thing to happen! Please appreciate what you have, take each day as it is your last! I Love you all so much!!

Scattered

2009-07-15T10:47:00.002-05:00

Today someone shared with me a link that I think is well worth reading. It is a sad story about how a woman focused on her job and lost focus on her family.

As I see it, it began with the liberation of women in the 1920's. Her story has declined from the American dream of a great career and replacing it with the needs of her family.

In the 1920's there was a need to equalize the playing field for women, and fight for a woman's voice in the voting, have equal pay for those qualified, deter sexual harassment and to further progress the American dream of "success".

As this theory evolved in the 1960's the movement has changed to a bitter reality that the woman's place is not in the home but in the work force thus often times leaving her children at home, abandoning the emotional growth of their children, nurturing the relationship of a marriage and caring for herself as a mother, wife and a child of God.

She is often too exhausted with a 40 hour work week, not able to watch her children grow, see their first steps, the first words, hear her children discuss the issues they face in society as they are challenged to conform to the society of secularism, sexuality and drugs.

Throughout my own career I have been laid off and after the trauma of rejection, the reality of my place at home quickly resurfaced as a place of peace and thanksgiving that I am where I need to be and want to be. With my family.

I pray that young mothers can reevaluate the view society has on success and see true success is what you have at home. Children can grow up to be beautiful adults; adults without the mark of abuse, confident in themselves, and content with a life of peace and not chaos.

As the divorce rate among Americans is greater than 1/2 of those married, more children are born our of wedlock than ever, 1 in 4 children are victims of sexual abuse, 4.5 million teens report abusing prescription drugs and 4.5 million teens are diagnosed with ADHD in America.
Knowing that the medications these children are taking are from their own medicine cabinet; we have a problem.

Please take the time to read this article on the effect that a career has caused in this woman's life. It is a circle of life that continues daily. One that I hope sees a new generation more advanced that the 1920's but prior to the 1960's.

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/print/200907/divorce

2009-07-07T10:35:00.005-05:00

The past few weeks have been exceptional. I have to refer back to where I was a year ago and where I am today.

I am amazed at how God has changed my life. Throughout the year, people from all over the world have prayed for me and my family.

I have gone from retaining information as that of a 60 year old, unable to calculate simple math, walk, and deep depression feeling like I had no purpose in life.

The changes as of today include me not only being able to retain information but to utilize my concentration to develop my own website.

Creative Home Management

If that is not a miracle from God, I don't know what is! I am becoming more and more excited about what the future will be for us.
No longer do I concern myself with thoughts that I will not be able to see my children grow up or grow old with Adam.

I am now looking forward to laughing, planning and living a long life!

I am grateful to others for praying for me when I could not pray, encouraged when I wanted to give up and loved for just being myself.

Through this I have better relationships with friends and family, I have been blessed to cherish every day and live each day with a purpose! My relationship with God is more solid than ever, knowing Him as not only as a Savior but as a Father who cares.
Through this journey and I would not change a thing. I would have never learned to appreciate each day as I do now.

Working a job, I did not feel had a purpose, now I have started a life that begins and ends with the most precious people to me.

How blessed to be home every day with my 16 year old with planned outings with my oldest daughter. Hanging out with my husband in the evening both able to work together, hold hands and be a family.

The simple life... is incredible! Thank you God for all that you continue to do in my life!

The errors of Capitolism.. MARKETING SCAMS

2009-06-25T17:56:00.000-05:00

AT&T PARK.. Beautiful isn't it??

Through a bit of research today after noticing my site was hit by sites uncommon to my regular visitors. I was surprised to see my blog caught the interest of parties in Boca Raton, New York, Illinois, Miami and California. Each of these sites I found were linked to Telecom or Verizon Agora Solutions.

As I continued to research these for cramming I found that 2 of my recent post are actually connected.

You know those random phone calls that we are all getting that when you answer there is no voice on the other end? These are calls soliciting active numbers. If you answer your phone they are not actually wanting to talk to anyone, they are just wanting to identify "real" phone numbers and I have found new information on how they are obtaining our numbers.

In fact, I have learned, anyone capable of capturing your phone number can cause charges for a product or service to be included on your phone bill without your consent. All they have to do is submit this list of numbers to AT&T for billing and AT&T IS WILLING to charge you for the services.
AMAZING isn't it!

These Internet thieves are using are using what is called an Automatic Number Identification (ANI), a system similar to "caller ID," they can capture your phone number from which the call to to you originates.

Again, you don't even need to give them a credit card or other account numbers in order to be billed. Similarly, phone numbers can be obtained, without high-tech equipment, through purported sweepstakes that require a phone number on any entry form completed over the Internet, or the obvious even through dialing numbers at random from the telephone directory dialing them, hitting a live line and recording the active number.

I won't continue to rant about this but I found this information to be helpful and thought I would pass it along.

If you see other services on your phone bill, AT&T, and Verizon on your bill go to this website. ( I have found Verizon also allows ENHANCED SERVICES BILLING INC.to bill you.)

To file your complaint online....https://www.ftccomplaintassistant.gov/

You will also find Enhanced billing services identified by the FTC as part of a group of solicitors in the suit filed in 2007:
http://www.ftc.gov/os/caselist/0523141/071024ntwideconnectmlfarrstipfnl.pdf
for PROHIBITED BUSINESSES PRACTICES by the United States District Court in Florida.

http://classactionconnect.com/consumer-complaints/enhanced-services-billing-inc-esbi-aka-billing-concepts-bsg-billing-services-group-unauthorized-local-phone-charges/

So, my question is HOW and WHY is AT&T and Verizon allowed to continue these companies to charge for "other companies".....could it be because they have a monopoly on the phone companies.

FYI:
ENHANCED SERVICES BILLING INC.
Phone: 800-570-0269
SAN ANTONIO, Texas, 78229 U.S.A.

Billing Concepts Inc. and Enhanced Services Billing Inc., agreed to a settlement of the complaint for which alleged that the companies attempted to force consumers to pay for service that the consumers did not ask to receive.

Internet Thieves

2009-06-23T18:29:00.001-05:00

Cramming.. thought this was only a word used in college the night before an exam.

How about the "new" cramming, a lot of people including us did not realize you could actually "cram", "be crammed" or have things crammed for you on your monthly bills.

Yesterday I found out the reason our phone bill with AT & T Bell south has been increasing over the last 6 months.

Since I pay bills online like most people, I do not receive a paper bill in the mail. I get them through my email. I enter the amount to be paid and click. Done.

What is "DONE" is .....I have been contributing to 2 different businesses without my consent OR knowledge.

How did this happen? No clue. Enhanced Services Billing - Key Voice Mail and Agora Solutions obtained my name, incorrect address and attached their service to my AT & T Phone bill.

My question is why does AT&T allow "other companies" to attach services to my account without my consent.

AT&T did not have answers to the question and in fact required me to contact them to have the charges stopped and removed.

I am sharing this with you because if you don't check your bill (and you have to look deep, it is embedded in links) you too may be having companies "cram" your bills as well.

As I investigated the Key Voice Mail company, I found out the only person I can talk to is a representative on the phone. She does not have a boss nor manager. She also does not have a billing department with a phone. The only information to voice a complaint can be given as a written address.
http://keyvoicemail.com/consent.asp

When I typed in the physical address I found B Richard DO
20423 State Road 7 Ste F6
Boca Raton, FL 33498
Phone : (561) 477-7700

Which is a "Pediatric Physicians Office". It sounds official on the phone until you ask for Key Voice Mail - B Richard.

Then you are told he is in Key West.

When I asked how to get in touch with him about my AT&T phone charges from his company Key Voice Mail, they gave me a 1-800 number that does not exist.

I tried to call the number and the 800 number said I could not reach that number with my location. So, I called AT&T and explained to them my delima and asked them to dial it for me. They stated they could not, but would be happy to adjust the charges and slash my bill in 1/2.

Knowing I just called a pediatric clinic about my phone bill, keep in mind neither the clinic nor AT & T were surprised that I called with the request to have the charges removed.

After 3 hours of phone calls and much aggravation I managed to get the charges taken off, AT&T will block any further attacks on my account and lowered my monthly charges.

Check your phone bill and make sure this is not happening to you. As I was checking into these companies, I learned alot of this is going on. Unfortunately, the company that you think you are doing businss with does not protect you and you too could be contibuting to some illegal company without a boss.

Life Is Pro Choice

2009-06-19T22:03:00.001-05:00

Life is not always what it seems. Sometimes you think you are seeing someone for who they are and when you look deeper it is something completely different.

I had an event this week where a friend shared with me something that he was going through. The appearance was that a Godly person was asking him to travel to preach. I was home one evening before Adam got home from work and felt compelled to pray. It was a different feeling as I was not quiet sure what to pray for but I had a very strong urgency to spend time with God and allow the Holy Spirit to pray.

Later that evening my friend asked me to read his invitation from a pastor in Africa, since it was out of the country it was a big decision to make.

I was prepared to say before I read the letter "that's exciting". But when I read the letter I felt the urge to vomit, sick and became afraid for his safety.

My friend is a bold speaker for Christ. I had to tell him what I was feeling. I didn't understand why, but I was compelled to tell him I feared for his life.

God is real, and satan is real too. The thought that satan would take the life of a professing Christian to shut him up is real. He had already tried to shut him up about a year ago. He almost died of cancer. As of today, he is cancer free. But, just over a year ago, he was in critical condition and days away from death. Since then he has proclaimed that God is greater than cancer. A strong message and a strong proclamation. He is also a tremendous witness for the power of God.

So, the idea that satan would want to set him up on the grounds of Africa to be harmed is not outside the realm of reality.

Not everything that proclaims to be righteous is righteous. It is the fruits of God that is present in the righteous that confirms Gods presence.

Christ heals and God allows people to be healed every day. My friend is an example of Gods healing power and one for me to look to and claim healing as well.

As I go though my days, I find myself doing better. There are days that are great and I feel quite normal. Some days I think I am healed. I hope to post one day that this is over and I am no longer fighting this battle.

Is it wishful thinking? No. It is in the realm of God to heal those who ask to be healed. My job, is to have faith, and live. Let God take over and it will all fall into place.

I encourage you to put your life in Gods hands. You will find peace in every situation. Just ask Him.. He is always there.

From Trash to Treasure - One door closes open another.

2009-06-11T22:16:00.001-05:00

What do you do when you are unemployed and unemployable?

I am not worthless those if you have read my blog you may think I am. I am the type of person that really must be doing something.

A couple of years ago, while working I challenged my husband to let me earn a little money on the side to pay for us a vacation. I chose San Francisco.

I heard you could make money selling on eBay, so I took them and Adam up on the challenge.
I started going to garage and estate sales coming home researching my purchases and posting them on eBay. With in 4 months we accumulated enough money on the side to fly the four of us to San Fransisco, sight see, paying for daily excursions, hotel and meals for a week!

Believe it or not, I started out with $30.00 a weekend, then $50.00 and more coming home to list the items and turning profits within a week. You will be amazed at what others sell for .50 and you can flip for up to $60.00. You certainly cannot get that kind of return in the stock market!

The following year, my daughter decided to get married and gave me only a few months to prepare. Love does not consider budgets. Again, I was put to the test to hit the yard sales and turn a profit.

I continue to sell on eBay now to supplement our income. We joke about me being such a great wife, one that likes to shop but turns around and sells it, the perfect woman! Not really, but you get what I am saying. So, back to the idea, if the world thinks you are unemployable, show them differently and create your own source of income and do what you really enjoy!

Somewhere over the rainbow....

2009-06-11T09:21:00.000-05:00

In an land of Oz, surreal and magical, I find myself in a movie theme of which I disliked as a child.

The movie, unreal, too sweet and yet frightening. Yesterday I was between the rainbow and the Land of Oz.

As I inquired about an online program that could possibly give Adam and I assistance with our loss of income I found a link that looked pleasant and reputable. I logged in added a bit of our information including my email address with phone number. Forgetting about the inquiry, later that evening we received a phone call from an arrogant man, loud and forcefully stating my husband and I were seeking help from him for a consolidation loan.

I stated we were not interested but he pushed stating we were the one who pursued the loan, and became more aggressive. I became upset and assured him we did not need a loan and quickly found myself in a confrontation with a mean person.

Adam sat next to me puzzled, and I tried to explain to the man what my initial inquiry was about. As I am beginning to cry, Adam is looking up the number from the caller ID. I hung up in tears of frustration to find out the number is from a solicitation group to con people out of money. Many complaints about this company included coning people that they owed money and wanted to set up draft accounts that they found later were to be scams.

As I listened to Adam read the comments I felt even more foolish. As I though about how vulnerable I was to what appeared to be a magical place of Oz, helping people in need, to the evil side of people taking advantage of the disadvantage. As our economy struggles, people seeking help, more people are desperately finding new ways to take advantage of their situation.

During the day, we receive calls from unknown callers, a while back I started to answer those calls to find lots of times these are just computer generated calls looking for live lines to solicit.

We decided to go though other call numbers 1-800, 1-866 and found again to be companies other people report are scammers.

I am sharing this because we are in a place that is vulnerable, I am home as calls come in as well as others with my condition or similar conditions who may fall for one of these calls like I did last night. As I got off the phone I agreed to have another company call me "that could help". I had opened up to the man on the line and explained the information he had received about us wanting a loan was incorrect I explained I had early onset Alzheimer’s. His tone change, stated he did have someone to help and they would be calling. I failed the test.. we looked up the company name and again another company based out of Africa.

So, as we looked for the rainbow we fell into the land of Oz. I knew I hated that movie for a reason!

Transparency

2009-06-06T14:11:00.001-05:00

This past week has been a quiet week. Which is a good thing as quite means, preservation of the mind.

After our family meeting we discussed ways to keep me safe as well as reassure everyone else that Adam and I am in control for now and we created a forum to discuss concerns on that arise.

Most of all I want the kids to know they are a crucial part of this and the more they know the better.

Afterwards, Danielle shared with me how relieved she was that now she to can be aware of what to expect and that she has a voice.

I knew this disease affected her and I have been feeling like there must be a way to help her come to us with her concerns instead of holding it all inward.

This just may be the forum for her. If not, a place that she can have more information to ease her concerns.

I have to admit, the meeting was a bit odd for me as I have begun to relinquish a bit of my freedom from the "free world". But, if I am putting my life out there, then responsible action must be taken.

Sometimes I wonder if the blog was a good idea, it is forcing me to face the realities, but also forcing me to face the responsibilities.

I suppose my goal is to share what this is like for someone else dealing with this disease. To reassure others, it is not an immediate death sentence into a world of silence.

It has become a new challenge, a great blessing. It has allowed me to see that every word said should be taken with great thought. If I only have a limited amount of words to say, I will try to say what is meaningful. If I only have so many "I love yous", I will say as many as I can.

And on the flip side, keep the words kind, not selfish, not hurtful and dare not condemn or fall into hurtful words.

2009-05-28T10:35:00.001-05:00

Ok, now what do you do.

Thought I have mixed feelings about letting go of parts of my life and also creating a burden for those around me, we as a family have decided to face life head on and deal with the issues at hand.

We are calling a family meeting to identity needs, concerns and plans of action for the stage we are currently in.

To pretend that chaos is a normal way to live for me is only going to result in problems down the road.

For now, we are taking the following actions. Medications will be monitored to make sure they are taken.
Since at times I feel like it is only a burden to continue to take some meds because of the money it cost and the only way I can get SSI is to divorce my husband. We are living off of one income. I have learned I need them and yes we can afford them.

Second, I will keep a cell phone with numbers set up with names for me to recall. I will keep the GPS in the car with it set on home. This will work for now. To be honest, this is a little premature but if it makes us all feel better, I will do it.

I will keep my family on notice when I leave home and try to be with someone when I leave, otherwise stay close to home.

Adam calls during the day as a “check on” call - and I love you.

It will be interesting to see what the family sees needs to be addresses when we meet.

Power Rangers

2009-05-26T11:18:00.001-05:00

Today I need to explain where I am and what I need.

First I am so thankful for my family and friends and feel so blessed that they love me and pray for me.

I know that my parents are having a difficult time with this and I need to tell them that I am ok.
They are my parents and I know they want to rescue me from this.

My daughters are afraid of what is going on and my husband is fearful of the future.

With this being said, I feel this is something I must share because if I don't I will get lost in the choas.

My life is ok, it is changing but it is what it is and we are going to plunge through it.

Please hear me when I ask of you this, do not ever take me away from my home and family. I told Adam last night as I cried in fear, I am most scared of being taken away from him.

My husband is my best friend, my daughters are my comfort and my home is my home.

We are a family that needs each other. We are disfunctional just as all families are, but we are a group that cannot be separated. We know each others thoughts, we know our needs and we
know we are here for each other.

My disease has made me thankful in so many ways. It has taught me to live in the moment, to enjoy my kids, and to love my husband deeper than ever. No one will ever know what it is like for me to look into Adam's eyes and tell him what I need and he assure me he will be there to take care of me. No one but us hears our conversations, knows our needs nor understands us the way the two of us do. We are one, God made us this way. To take away this will take away my life.

I understand my life is changing, we are a family that has leaned on each other though all of our challenges. We have not been a family that has drawn people in to solve our problems. We will survive this one too.

I ask that when they need help, it is asked "what can we do to help". I ask that you listen to Adam and let him direct. He has been a wonderful father and a friend and husband . He is calm. He is consistent and he is not irrational. I trust him completely.

He will not have all the answers, he will need someone to talk to, to confide in and be a friend.

My daughters need comfort but do not need their rights as a daughters to be taken away.

We as a family have a saying, "We are Power Rangers". Silly, but to us it has been a way to communicate thoughout the years we can get through this too.

With this being said, know I love each of you who read this. I understand your heartaches, I choose to be open with this disease as I want to share with others who are going though the same that it is important to stay close to God and give thanks for all things.

My documenting my thoughts and fears is so others can see 1 year into the disease what it is like for me. Happy, content and at peace more than ever.

Putting the puzzle together without all of the pieces, does not mean the picture will not be recognized.

2009-05-22T21:27:00.001-05:00

5-22-09

Dealing with this Alzheimer’s is not as easy as I would like it to be.

The days pass and it appears on the outside as things are normal. On the inside, it feels like there is a fog in my brain that keeps my thoughts from being clear.

For example, the good days include quiet, minimal sound, one to one interaction, disorganization (just can’t seem to get things quiet the way I want them; ie. house cleaning, projects, meal planning, managing bills). When communicating with others on the good days thoughts are clear, my wit is normal or a bit abnormal depending on how you see it.. and I can laugh at myself and present as if there is no problem at all. People will even ask “How are you, because you seen normal to me”.

Now add, a 3rd or 4th person to the room , conversation and television or a restaurant and automatically there is sensory overload. When the overload begins, the spiral accelerates. My brain feels like it is misfiring, thoughts are scattered, information through conversation is not retained and blanks spaces affect my recognition. Pieces of the mental puzzle disappear.

Yesterday was one of those days. I met my kids for lunch, trying to find a parking place thought I looked around sufficiently and backed up into a car. I got out angry, not understanding how that happened. My son-n-law said the car was behind me but as I looked, it did not register as being there. The lady politely said everything is fine and drove away. It was but I was confused.

We continued to have lunch, bright lights, 100 people and conversations around the table did not register. As I left the restaurant with my daughter we drove to our next destination to find I could not recall where I was, a vague resemblance of the area, but not really knowing what direction I was going and how to get there.

For the day, I have suddenly gone from a person with a great instinct for direction, visual memory almost photographic to missing pieces of the puzzle and not recognizing my location or direction.

The day continued and my brain continued to feel over stimulated then over whelmed.

The fear and realization returned that there is something real going on in my head that I cannot control.

I returned home, head still boggled, and took a few online memory test to measure my recall and recent memory. As I attempted the test a great amount of anxiety occurred and I realized that,… I may go away one day.

Commercials on TV often show the elderly person in their 70-80 wondering and their adult children wonder how to help and when to intervene. Here I sit, as the middle aged 46 year old adult wondering when I will be the one wondering in the street, and my teenager, young newly wed daughter and my husband are faced with making decision on my behalf to keep me or others safe.

When do they take over, after I make a terrible mistake in our finances, after I am lost and cannot find my way home, wreck the car or worse.

The mental entrapment is frustrating as who do I share this with, my young precious children who have their happy world to live, my husband and overwhelm him with all of the burdens of family, home and finances; my parents who already worry or friends who are concerned but don’t need the burden of another hardship.

More than anything I want to be true to myself, me happy, be there for others and not bring anyone down.

So, by the end of the day, I confided in a friend and talked to my husband and sought prayers from others.

The day ended with placing my hands on top of my head in bed and asking God to take this away. I asked God to heal me.

Today, is a new day. I have more puzzle pieces than yesterday.

I am a child of God, I will do what He asked and believe in His healing power and I will accept the cross He has asked me to bear.

Beauty in Life!

2009-03-23T13:23:00.001-05:00

I don’t know about you but when you look around and you see the people in your life and the different personalities and joy they all bring to the world, you have to appreciate Our God more!

We just spent a wonderful weekend with my family in Forest Hill and the joy my children bring, with my new son-n-law and friends make me realize that that these kids face great opportunities in the future.

We spent the weekend with both of our families, in-laws and friends and every one is so unique but so beautiful with each person bringing to the world a different personality trait, interest, laughter, innocence, that reflects the creativeness of our God. I am so glad God made us all different!

I could never say we are perfect, but I can say I am so blessed as a parent, wife, daughter and sister. I will not ever take them for granted!

They say I have early inset Alzheimer’s, if that is true, I will not leave this world without saying to those people in my life the words that need to be said, “I love you”.

This morning my son-in-law was caught by surprise when called him just to say I love you and thanked him for loving my daughter the way he does. Some people can smile and light up a room, he has energy that bursting to face the world.

My precious Alex was just awarded a tremendous scholarship to fulfill her dream of advanced nursing school, I am amazed at how smart and compassionate she has become. God has prepared her path to serve Him.

Danielle, my youngest is the essence of innocence and can brings life and joy to everyone she is around. She lives life in the moment with no regrets.

Adam, loves his family, music and people. He finds everyone interesting and consistently puts others first.

My parents, always happy to see us and give us a great place to come together as a family and feel like we never leave home. Their home is the perfect place to see Gods beauty and to feel loved.

My sister and family are the essence of a giving heart and my brother-n-law’s family have become my family.

My mother-n-law, beautiful and a blessing that loves to see the world God created.

Thank you God for life and love. We can face all challenges but are assured it is all ok knowing you are present in our life.

There are times when life calls out for change.

2009-03-11T12:59:00.000-05:00

I thought it was time to write about the symptoms of Alzheimer’s as this was the reason from writing.
Everyone is so kind and is praying for me and my family and concerned about what is happening.
Though I have never been one to say what is really going on nor do I want to face the reality of changes there are changes that have happened and those that have been diagnoses early may think it is helpful to know the progress.

It has been 1 year now. What is better is the Aricept does make a difference in daily activities. I am able to function fairly normally and look like there is nothing really wrong.

The difficulties are math, counting money, calculations, and I have noticed when tired remembering exactly how to write a number has been lost momentarily. For some reason adding numbers require me to retain the number long enough to put it on paper or to add the next number which is lost within a second.

If tired, I can listen but not hear a word that is said and frequently ask to repeat what has been said. Writing needs to be reread and phrases are missed though I think I have typed them.

Balance continues to be a struggle. Getting up swaggering from wall to wall at times feels like I all in a pong game. I have not fallen but often fall backwards to catch my step.

With this I am to the point where I must stop driving at night. While in the dark it feels like I am driving blind and cannot put others at risk or my family. The balance has affected the ability to drive in the dark.

Adam is wonderful in that he has great compassion for me and says we will do what ever it takes to accommodate for changes. My daughters are both wonderful and agree to help to keep life as normal as it can be.

I cannot say enough how blessed I am. My family is my strength and I know each day God has a purpose for us. We know life is precious and do not take a day for granted.

I want to tell my husband, there is nothing comforting than to hold his hand and accept his love.

God bless all of you who pray for us, and I pray for others who have this disease that it is Ok to talk about your fears and challenges. Do not be ashamed nor feel like you won’t be understood. People are amazingly compassionate.

2009-03-02T13:21:00.000-06:00

I just read this prayer and realized this is just what has been on my heart.

Take a moment to relax your mind and humble your heart to focus
on Christ. Allow God to be the only person on your mind while you read
this prayer. If we can take the time to read long jokes,stories, etc, we
should give the same respect to this prayer. Friends, who pray together,
stay together.

Dear Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank You for my being
able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are a
forgiving God and an understanding God. You have done so much for me and
You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done,
said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your
forgiveness. .

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start
this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the
best of each and everyday to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control. Let
me continue to see sin through Your eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And
when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth of my wrongdoing,
and receive forgiveness.

And when this world closes in on me, let
me remember Jesus' example -- to slip away and find a quiet place to
pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know
that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart. Continue to use me to do
Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me
strong that I may help the weak. Keep me up lifted that I may have words
of encouragement for others. I pray for those who are lost and can't
find their way. I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood. I
pray for those who don't know You intimately. I pray for those who will
delete this without sharing it with others. I pray for those who don't
believe. But I thank you that I believe.

I believe that You change people and You change things for good
reasons. I pray for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every one
of my family members and friends and their families. I pray for peace,
love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their
needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem,
circumstance, or situation greater than You. Every battle is in Your
hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the
hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them
willingly..

This is my prayer. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

God's Peace In A Turbulant Time

2009-02-12T18:39:00.000-06:00

I know we facing difficult times struggling with the economy, job loss, fiscal irresponsibility and a godless society.

If we look at this in the worlds eyes our perspective seems to be tainted and there does not seem to be much hope. Daily the news broadcast opposite messages depending on what you are watching.

I think as we watch the polarizing effects of our government changes, our souls also reflect the turbulence and we feel unsettled.

A friend of my daughter, a young man with great faith said, “God promised the earth would be destroyed by fire”. Sounds frightening. But, it is true. There is nothing we can do that will change what God said He would do.

As a result we really have to look at the whole picture here. If what God says is true, then the changes of the world should be looked upon with great excitement instead of fear.

Why would we want to change Gods plan? Why should we worry about what God said He was going to do? We are here for a flicker of time on earth, but a lifetime with God!

There is peace in reflecting and anticipating the hope of the life to come and not worrying on the fears you see today. It is only a distraction away from God and His purpose.

Focus on God

2009-02-09T16:39:00.000-06:00

Yesterday at church the priest mentioned something that I have not been able to get off of my mind.

The sermon was on Job. He talked about how Job was tried by sadness and illness as he continue to love God.

His friends challenged him by saying “You should confess your sins as you have done something to deserve this”. Job was confident that he had not committed a sin great enough to warrant this kind of pain.

I started thinking how easy it is to fall into the thought that I have done something to deserve this illness. The easiest thing to do would be to ask God to forgive me and ask for healing.

After a year of praying for healing and friends saying they are praying for healing, I have noticed something different happen. God may be healing me but most importantly I think God is showing me where I was not following him before.

Being “well” meant a life of working a job I was not interested in, coming home attempting to prepare a meal and be a mom and wife not doing anything really well, just mediocre.

Being how I am today, has changed me and others around me. The priest said as he closed his sermon he too has an illness and has asked God to heal him from it as well. He said God reminded him, if he was healed he would go back to doing some things that distracted him from his relationship with God. He felt like God was giving him a choice, to be healed or to have the burden of an illness that kept him closer to God seeking His comfort.

I pray that God will help me stay focused Him and not my illness.

A New Day

2009-02-08T09:35:00.000-06:00

Every day I wake up and it feels like it will be just another “ground hog day.” You remember the old Bill Murray movie, where he wakes up and ever day is the same as before. Usually it begins with aches and pains, the news and medication to keep the memory going.

As the day goes by, I am constantly reminded that the day is unique, my daughter reminds me of how today will be the BEST EVER and my oldest daughter will call just to say she loves me.

I visit with friends, laugh and talk to my mom, knowing we have nothing important to say but just a reminder that we love each other.

Later, Adam will call, checking on me. He let’s me know he would rather be home than at work, but he is thinking about me.

I guess you can say, it is ground hog day. But what better way to live life than with friends and family that you care about. I will make it a point to reach out to them and let them know how special they are to me. God has blessed me with a new perspective, live for today. It might look the same but it can still be the “best ever”!

Unusual Blessing - In Sickness and Health

2009-02-05T10:32:00.000-06:00

I just want to share an experience that I don’t think is uncommon to anyone.

I call it my filter. I can say by now, my filter is going.

It is not all bad, I have been able to share things otherwise I would not have said, and probably said things I should have filtered.

I asked my daughters boyfriend, what his intentions’ are, they are now married. I have also felt less afraid of sharing my feelings to those I care about. On the flip side, I have to admit insecurity is here as well.

I often worry about Adam being 43 and having to deal with me at such an young age. I am a burden with out our second income.

Remember the words, “For better or Worse”.? that was not a catch all phrase, it was real.

My husband now makes it a point to hold my head in his hands and say, “I love you.” The other night when I feeling insecure, he shared with me “why” he loves me. It was an incredible moment where he opened up in a way I have never seen and I cried, I am blessed

He too is learning to put away the filter.

Things that were said less, often are regular now.

God really knows how to bless you in the most unusual ways!

Faith Without Understanding

2009-02-04T16:03:00.000-06:00

2/4/09
This past weekend I went home to see my parents, it is always great to see them and it always feels so comfortable to be with them. I really have been blessed with my family, we are close, we laugh and say some of the craziest things but it is home and I enjoy them so much.

This visit, my oldest daughter and her husband and my youngest and her boyfriend also came along. It was just a blessing to sit around with three generations and all of us sharing stories and laughing like we were all the best of friends.

Sunday morning, we attended church with my sister and her husband. He is a minister and I was truly amazed at how God is leading him in his Christian growth. Brent and I were college buddies and he and my sister were married just before Adam and I. We have all watched our families grow up together.

My sister is one of the most precious people you would ever meet. They are both unique people. When I listened to Brent preach I honestly wanted to stand and “high five” him! God is really speaking through him and is planning his way and paving his way to a successful life in the ministry. By success, I mean a ministry that is going to touch peoples lives.

Both Brent and Dee have met challenges these past few years that would be overwhelming to most. They have consistently maintained a belief in God that things will work out for them. They have also continued to grow in their faith and never bent on their beliefs. I admire them so much for their constant belief that God will prevail.

Sometimes we get so caught up in own problems that we don’t have time to give of ourselves. Brent and Dee continue to give of themselves even when they have nothing left to offer. What I don’t think they realize is their strength offers the rest of us comfort, and strengthens our faith. Their faith helps me to continue to believe in the things I cannot see.

Platitude or Gratitude

2009-01-30T14:53:00.000-06:00

For so long I did not understand when someone would tell me to carry your cross with joy. To me that sounded like an empty platitude.

When I was unable to attend church last summer after falling and breaking my back, I would have to watch Mass on TV. I suppose the sermons were directed to those of us who could not physically attend Mass but non the less, each Sunday I was presented with same message.

Finally, after several weeks (I am a slow learner) I realized what Paul was speaking of when he said he carried his cross with joy. He embraced his infirmity. Though it was never identified in the scriptures it was clear he struggled with something that he learned kept him close to God.
When we as Christians, believe God will heal us, we are also taught to have the faith of a mustard seed for those things we seek. To me, carrying my cross of dementia was accepting those things I could not change and not believing in the healing power of Christ.

Can these 2 beliefs co-exist? I now know they can. As I struggle with my daily symptoms of writing and missing words or phrases, inability to concentrate, remember what has just been said to me and sometimes the isolation, I am reminded that I have a disease and I am not healed.

On the other hand, what has become a cross has become a tremendous blessing. When life is perfect and there are no worries, we tend to think life is so good, God can wait. When we are reminded by God that in life we need Him, we automatically feel a connection with God and a presence that He is with us even when we are alone.
My purpose in writing is mainly to remind myself that I am not alone, I know there are others who also struggle with a cross, whether it is an illness, financial burden or family member; if we realize the cross is there not to make us unhappy but to realize our true purpose in life.

Here, our time on earth is not the years we spend, is it what we do with those years. How we interact with others and care for all. It is not the ball games, shopping or the reality shows. It is experiences, feelings, sickness, healing, pain, and joy that moves us to share hope with others. These are the things that keep us close to our Father. He sits with us, He comforts us and reassures us that when we pass, it is not the end of life, it is the beginning of life to come.

Imagine...

2009-01-29T09:18:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2CaBR3z85c

An Interesting Thought for the Progressive Mind

2009-01-29T09:06:00.000-06:00

1-29-09
The “right to chose” is an interesting phrase. As we live in a nation that is built on freedom we have coined a phrase that has made a powerful statement; “THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE”. A phrase that gives people the right to make a decisions that affect the outcome of our society.

As many Americans made their choice for the most powerful position on the free world, a contradiction has manifested that is intriguing to me.

Have we determined the value of life is based on ones circumstances, ability to take care of themselves, and the ability to be self-sufficient and not be a burden on society?

Nancy Pelosi has determined that birth control is essential to solving the economic burden. Does this mean the elderly in nursing homes, those terminally ill, the homeless or children born with disabilities are a burden on society also? Therefore do we need to exterminate their lives as well?

Despite this belief Nancy holds, we have though history gained knowledge and wisdom by exercising our freedom to “choose life.” If the value of a person is determined by their chance at a quality of life we would not have our new President, Albert Einstein’s theories would be shunned, and Christopher Reeve would have a burden.

If we apply Ms. Pelosi’s theory, these adopted famous people may have been aborted if the love of their single mother had not been so strong that they “chose” adoption; Eleanor Roosevelt, Faith Hill, Jesse Jackson, President William Clinton, Nelson Mandela, and Moses. Even Jesus Christ may not have been born if it had been decided that all living persons should have two parents and born with a promise of a future.

Thank God for those who have been disabled, as Helen Keller was an advocate for the disable and Mother Teresa and her associates established more than six hundred missions of charity in one hundred and twenty countries on five continents.

The irony manifest by the support of our President in Hollywood. They themselves support the “right to choose”. But if we take their own belief that the “value of life is determined by a more perfect life” then these homeless individuals would not have been allowed to become famous. They too would have been considered a burden. Such progressive minds of John Drew Barrymore, Halle Berry, Jim Carrey, Charlie Chaplin, Kelly Clarkson, Cary Grant, Martin Sheen and many others have themselves been homeless.

Those same people who supported a President who believes in euthanasia of babies up to the last trimester supports the theory that life should be a choice determined by individuals who predetermine their quality of life and personal value.

A thought for today,
“God comforts us in all of our affliction in that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. “
II Corinthians 1:4

Choose life, you really don’t know what you are missing.

Even when life poses challenges, it should be seen as a gift, God has provided us with the opportunity to suffer and to carry a cross that is held by Him.

http://www.topix.com/forum/who/TNSPH89CFKQGD6KSF
http://homelesstales.com/2008/07/famous-people-who-have-been-homeless/

‘

The Lost Generation.. or is it?

2009-01-28T08:59:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42E2fAWM6rA

A New World - The VALUE of People

2009-01-28T08:29:00.000-06:00

How do you set yourself apart in an economic world of competition with a slow economy?

Develop relationships with your customers! Make them feel valued and want to return to your business. The same applies to personal relationships: to enhance your relationship, you must communicate the value of the person.

Try a new plan, instead of marketing your product, how about marketing the customer? What does that mean? Invest in your customer, your family and your friendships by expressing to them how you feel about them.

Have you ever attended a church where you felt lost in the crowd? The church you attend either small or large feels like you are not apart of a click that is already established and you just don’t know how to fit in?

How would it be if you were personally touched by someone’s kind words to you?

Today we live in an economic world of emails, short attention spans, compiled with a busy life style that devalues personal relationships.

If you invest in people, letting them know how important they are to you, you will succeed in many ways.

You will fulfill Gods purpose in life by cherishing what is most important to you; those people God has placed in your life.

You will create a bond with friends and family that will allow you to express your true feelings and never leave what I call “unfinished business”.

And last, in a struggling economy you develop a relationship with customers that make them WANT to give their business to you.

Please check out my site:
http://www.sendoutcards.com/justperfect

Success for Businesses In An Economic Depression

2009-01-28T06:45:00.000-06:00

An interesting perspective; as the economy is struggling do you cut jobs, hirer lower paid workers, or invest in the employees you have.

Having worked for 7 years as a research coordination, my symptom became more apparent to myself and my employer let me go in fear I was a risk. My husbands company took a completely opposite perspective to my disease, they invested in my husband by sending us to the top Neurologist in the Nation to help us identify the disease. By flying us to St Louis and arranging an appointment within a day we were able to identify the cause of my symptoms.

What is the benefit? The cost and loss of time, energy and distraction that could have taken years to determine my disability. As a result, a quick response, allowed us to focus on the future. It gave us a new lease on life, putting our lives in perspective.

The company benefits having a loyal employee, who knows his company will support him and his family in a crisis. He became a more dedicated, employee and feels valued in his job.

The cost to a company, has become obvious to me. My last employer continues to struggle with a low moral, employees distracted with the economy and their focus is on their own security.

Vs, the company my husband works for has employees that love their job, work hard for their employer and little recidivism with low employer turnover. In an economy where businesses are struggling, his company is prospering!

Vision of Hope

2009-01-27T21:02:00.000-06:00

1-26-09

So far this week has been a remarkable week, I have been involved in several projects and enjoying reaching out. It is interesting that as you reach out to others you are also touched in remarkable ways.

My sister-n-law, shared with me a beautiful prayer that she has prayed for me. It was so touching. She said as she prayed ,she envisioned me clapping my hands with pride as I watched my youngest graduate and she envisioned in her prayers me holding my oldest daughter as she gave birth. What a beautiful prayer. I know God is healing and hearing our prayers, as before, I don’t believe God gives you a desire without the possibility of obtaining the blessing!

A New Outlook

2009-01-26T19:33:00.000-06:00

Week ending 1/25/09

I have been out the last week, making it a point to not stay closed up. It is making a difference, I am choosing to force my way through. It is not easy being depressed and it is not easy to fight through it.

But, I feel the choice to fight through this disease is better than giving into it.

I talked to an old friend last night, it was good to talk about our old college days but the best part of the conversation was to share with her how to forgive God and to move forward in her life.

She is one of the most precious persons I know but through her kindness she has been hurt. I shared with her my fears last year of the despair Adam and I had when the Dr.’s said I may have mad cow disease and we were looking at 6-8 months to live. Then as things changed and I broke my back I was home alone, injured for months before I had surgery. Depression hit hard, but I refused to give up.

I truly have learned to believe “tomorrow will be better”.

Anyway, through sharing our difficult time, she could understand that what you project in your life comes back to you. She is alone now after a broken marriage but her desire is to have a wonderful man in her life that loves her. I know she will have that one day. I don’t believe God gives someone such a wonderful desire and will not let them have their dreams.

I will stay in touch, it helps me stay focused on what I am here for.

2009-01-26T19:06:00.000-06:00

Week ending January 15.09

It has been a year since my diagnosis and I am coming to grips with reality of change.

This week I have the feeling that I have been invisible. Depression is real. Whether it precipitates the disease or is the disease I am not sure, what I know is I am left feeling invisible.

Here are the reasons why.

It is Monday, the world around me has gone on. Friends continue to work, my husband is away, I am alive and left here, in the quite. It is a work day, and what is my purpose.

I am left wondering this all night, God, what is my purpose. Am I supposed to be here like this until the end? I woke up this morning and told Adam I was not able to sleep, I explained to him why. I keep asking God all night “what is my purpose”.

Adam said the most important thing to me he has ever said before, “our purpose has been fulfilled, we have 2 of the most wonderful children, beautiful, smart, they will go though this world and affect generations to come. Nothing else in this world matters, home, money, nothing, just those two children. “

What he did not realize is for the last 10 or so years, I have asked God what was I supposed to do with my life, each time I would have a flash of my kids. Adam had just validated what God has been telling me to do. Raise my family in God.

As the week continued, the word invisible became the word for how I describe how it feels to be left behind each day. The world goes on with out me.

I will work on not being invisible. To be visible you have to be seen

This is how my story began...

2009-01-26T17:19:00.000-06:00

Dear Family,
We met with the Dr. here at Wash U, Barnes Jewish Hospital. After meeting with Adam for about 45 minutes, I completed some psychiatric test for cognitive functioning then completed a physical, he reviewed my records and then he met with both of us. He spent about 2.5 hours with us.

The Dr. was very approachable, thorough and informative. He has at this time, (but with further testing planned in Baton Rouge), narrowed my results to a few diagnosis, each he based on the progression of symptoms, length of symptoms and the MRI results. He is also basing his diagnosis on the probability of % of likelihood with my age in mind. Since I am 44, these diseases are a bit early for me; twenty years early.

The MRI showed some Cerebral atrophy (shrinkage) with left sided diminished motor skills and weakness. I have a memory deficit of about 1/2- 1/4 of what a normal 60 year old would be.

Based on the diseases and progression of symptoms he has basically narrowed it down to 2 possible diseases. Early dementia, Alzheimer's, or Cortical-basal Degeneration (similar to Parkinson's) which is more appropriate for my age but more rare.

He is going to have me do a PET scan in Baton Rouge when I return home and we will send the actual test to him for diagnosis and he is placing me on Aricept for treatment of Alzheimer's.

This he gave me a months supply and should help with the memory. If I can tolerate the medication I will continue.

All in all, it doesn't sound so good, but as I told my mom, we laugh allot, now we can repeat it all and have twice as much fun with our goofy selves!

Thank you again for your prayers, I do not see this as an end all diagnosis, we all know things change, God is in control and I am incredibly blessed with a wonderful family and husband. I have all of my closest friends, meaning family here or only a call or email away!
Now, with the information at hand, I must ask for a special pray, a continuous prayer for Adam. He will be burdened with an incredible task, please pray for him every day for courage, peace and blessings from God as Adam seeks God for guidance. If this is the path God has chosen for us, we will follow Gods will. God will not abandon us but will bring us closer to Him. That is our purpose on earth anyway. We all know Adam is a special person, a chosen person from God, Please lift him in your prayers more than me. My children also need prayers to know God had purpose in all things. Please pray that they walk with the peace of God and are not fearful but blessed to have what we do have.

You have all been wonderful to me, and please, please, no POOR MEL! But, a thank you to God for His being in control, if this is a correct path for diagnosis, what a blessing to be able to know now, before I cannot remember.

I want to love my family more, so it could be the best thing to happen!
Please appreciate what you have, take each day as it is your last! I Love you all so much!!